|
|
Wednesday, June 12th, 2002
| |
4:26 am - EL FIN
|
well im back, but not for long. rehab here i come.
eventually i'll talk and start to trust people again, but you see i need to get help. i cant GET help if i dont HAVE help from my friends(or the people i thought were my friends.)
so for now, im going to enjoi the time i have at home. no worries.
by the way...i'll be gone for 6-9 months.
oh yeah...im erasing this peice of shit. i dont need certain people giving it to my family so i get in deeper shit.
for my last entry i will say goodbye to the LIVEJOURNAL.
current mood:  accomplished
current music: poe-johnny
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, June 3rd, 2002
| |
2:58 am
|
thats it. ive had enough of the bad shit. time to end it. end it all. i guess this is what we would call a suicide note. i dont know how im going to do it yet but ive had enough. should i go out like my uncle? run in front of a train, or do it my way. slit my wrists to end the pain. hopefully this time my cousin wont wake me up. ive had enough of all the shit ive been through. ive tried, you fucking know ve tried. i cant take it anymore. im weak. i cant do it. i cant. ive had enough. no more of this coming hom from school crying feeling sorry for myself. im done. IM FUCKING DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
goodbye to you select FEW that actually do care. this is for the best. you know it is.
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, June 2nd, 2002
| |
6:53 am - my weekend.fun.
|
|
| Thursday, May 30th, 2002
| |
12:02 pm
|
|
Everything I want to be I am, only buried under a layer of fat
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
11:03 am
|
|
| Wednesday, May 29th, 2002
| |
4:15 pm - shit
|
i have the shakes like no ones business. my pupils are fucking huge and its way too hot to wear long sleeves. nicole didnt talk to me again. o well. i fucked up yet again. im not going to school tomorrow or friday.
8 days of junior year left
current mood:  lonely
current music: weezer-say it ain't so
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, May 27th, 2002
| |
11:42 pm - jacked it off the nettie
|
Name: the haley
Age: 16
Birthdate: 08-10
Zodiac Sign: leo
Location: fuckwod city
Birthplace: menlo
Nickname: hay hay
Screen Name: shifty923105
Hair Color: purple
Eye Color: Shitblue
Height: 5'2.5
Piercings: 7ear, bellybutt, eyebrow, lip (used to have nipp)
Tattoos: heart on foot
Braces: no
Freckles: unfortunetly
Wavy/Straight/Curly Hair: all of the above
Hair Length: past ears
Color of Nails:blue
What is on your keychain: a chope named juan
Job: nah
School: 11 days to go
Car: my feet
Have you ever worked for a restaurant: n0
What are you wearing right now: tanktop and sweats
What time is it: 11:30pm
Date: may 27
-Favorites-
Color: orange, black
Song: anything, anything- grey daze.. mushy love song- plinky/tsunami bomb,
Movie: A clockwork orange, transpotting,donnie darko,stangeland, dirty dancing
Band: AFI, korn, tool
// Subject: sleep
// Place to Be: in my bed
// Fruit:-----
// Meat:--------
// Veggie:------
// Salad Dressing:---------
// Dog: black lab/german shepard (RIP Lincoln)
// Animal: doggie
// Month: aug
// Season: summer
// Soap: the blue shit
// Do you smoke: when im drunk
// Do you drink: hahah.. yes
// Do you cuss: me? i never fucking cuss
// Pet Peeves: midgits, smelly midgets and greasy hair, guys with long, greasy hair
// Who hates you: many including myself
// How many buddies are on your buddy list: 16
// How many are online right now: 5
// What did you do yesterday: saw a moovie, sat on my fat ass, took a walk, cried
// What did you do today: chilled with nicole, cried
// What are you doing tomorrow: school and a nap probably
// What are you doing this weekend: going to my dads and
-LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS-
// Are you currently in love:NO
// Have you ever been in love: yes..sniff..sniff
// Define Love: wait... what?
// Boyfriend/Girlfriend: no
// Is there anyone that you would date again: yes
// What is the longest relationship you've been in: a summer. bad times
-FRIENDS-
// Your closest ones: my bean, nettie, shelly, leesy
// The one that lives farthest away: justin
// The one that lives closest to you: nicole
// The tallest: oppie
// Shortest: aaron
// Best-Looking: kevin
// Biggest Flirt: shelly
// Most Outgoing: me..im loud
// Wildest: me
// One you've known the longest: nicole
-the last ?-
// Thing you said: poop
// Person who called you: sean
// Person you called: nicole
// Person you hugged: nicole
// Person you kissed: asshole mike
// Told you they loved you: asshole mike
// Movie you watched: shawshank redemtion
// Person you gave the finger: my dad
// Person you missed:asshole mike
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
| |
11:19 pm
|
i thought that the whole reason of having this fucking thing was to vent my feelings, yet when i do, i only get neative feedback. i thought this was supposed to help. ok ok so i feel for saying the shit i say, but its what is in my head. like it or not, its MY reality. MY thoughts.
current mood:  tired
current music: grey daze- anything, anything
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
12:33 am - uhh
|
i think the sober me wants to sleep. so sleepy time for hay hay.
like anyone cares if i die tonight.
current mood: depressed
current music: bad religion-sorrow
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, May 26th, 2002
| |
9:30 pm - im feeling morbid this night
|
chris Hubbock, news anchor who shot herself on T.V.
"And now, in keeping with Channel 40's policy of always bringing you the latest in blood and guts, in living color, you're about to see another first - an attempted suicide."
It's better to burn out,
Than to fade away.
-Neil Young
Death is a punishment to some, to others a gift and to many a favour.
-Seneca
Imagine:
To stand on top of the highest cliff.
To feel the wind tearing at my clothes, the elements.
The only truth left in a world of lies and hypocrisy.
The beauty of the abyss.
The anticipation, like anticipating the greatest sex, an existential foreplay.
Looking down into oblivion and voidness.
The ground far, far away as it seems from here, but in reality only a couple of seconds away.
Standing there.
Feeling eternity in a restricted world.
Feeling a decision in a prefabricated existence.
To draw the final breath,
To make that little step,
To know, that for once a decision was made,
To feel one foot above the abyss,
To think for a split second you can float in the air like the cartoon characters on TV,
To feel losing balance,
To fall,
To gain speed,
To have the air tear at your hair and clothes,
To feel the cold wind violently caress you,
To see the ground coming closer,
To scream in orgiastic excitement,
To know what you have done,
To know that you have done something for once.
Maybe even: To doubt,
To regret,
To wish yourself back to the top of the peak that you are pacing away from.
Mercilessly
To fly into annihilation,
To see the truth, whether it is a beautiful or an unbearable truth for the fraction of a second only.
Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be much more revealing than 10 years of most other people,
Than the whole life of most other people. More true, essential, focused, divine. Purer. 70 years forced into seconds. Refined into pure knowledge and truth.
Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be worth a lifetime.
A worthy payment for endless agony
No more endless, unbearable pain.
No more routine.
No more repetition.
No more
-- Peace.
To sleep, perchance to dream.
To give in to the tiredness.
to fall asleep.
To find solace.
No more agony.
to end.
The end.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
8:04 pm - teehee
|
|
| |
3:49 pm - muah ah ah ah ah
|
Today so far, ive cleaned my room (shoved everything in the closet), watched some cartoons, and now im watching FRIGHT NIGHT. its about this kid who thinks his neighbor is a vampire. its good watchings.
i still can't go out. i have to go to my dads next weekend. i get to see the new house, and my baby brother. maybe i'll see jon too. doubt it. oh well at least i'll sve myself from some useage.
vanesa and the rest of thefamily found out about me and mike. im screwed. everyone hates me now. just what i need. more people (especially my family) thinking im a whore. im seriously starting to think about that more often. i mean. good god, how many times has a guy fucked around with me and left me? many of times over and over again. im jsut too fucked up to realize that no guy would ever want me unless all my fat melts off and my scars disappear.
i cut again. E.D getting worse. haven eaten. no one cares. o well
-hay-hay
current mood:  amused
current music: fright night 80's soundtrack
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, May 23rd, 2002
| |
5:57 pm
|
|
| Wednesday, May 22nd, 2002
| |
9:31 pm
|
|
| |
7:06 pm - past entries that i thought i would post again.
|
Im going to draw a picture
A Picture with a twist
i'll draw it with a razor
i'll draw it on my wrist
AS i draw this picture
a fountain will appear
and suddenly all my problems
will slowly disappear
::::::::::::::::::::::::
My own personal hell
Follow me and you'll see
that my scars are only skin deep
dont be afraid, please dont be
that was the past, now listen to me
this is how it is
this is how its going to be
i lost my soul, i lost the key
the only way to find it is to disect the inner me
my life is described in the scars upon my skin
my scars show how i feel
my oen fles and my blood
express my disturbed,
mocked and tortured self-being
I want everyone to see
that no mattr how hard i try
I'll never be able to stop
how much i want to cry away my pain
but instead i make myself bleed
to watch it drain down my arm
and onto the floor
makes me feel like maybe i can
be a person after all
They are afraid of my arms
little kids and grandma's
i swear they are thinking
i should be in a mental hospital
If you truely want to know
why i do this to myself,
look at your life, speed it up
take all the drama
multiply it by a million
and your still no where near
what it feels like to be me
tears are blood, silent blood
tears are your hearts way of saying
im dying inside
Why do i bleed?
why do you ask?
i dont know why
how many fucking times
am i going to explain
the way i feel
Will never be resolved
i shall never be healed
from the outside world i look sane
but inside my head
i feel like everything is falling apart
and there is nothing, NOTHING
i can do to stop
these voices ar telling me
to kil myself
they are telling me to run
run away from everything, everyone
I cant run anymore
i cant hide what
how i feel inside]
so i see a shrink
so i vent my feelings
my most inner secrets
to a total stranger
razor blades were my best friend
they still are
drugs, blades and men...
now thats heaven!
People can say
all i want is attention
im a greedy bitch
if i wanted attention
why would i hide it from you
drag the razor across my skin
under my blankets late a night
when everyone else is sleeping
i would cry
not out loud
but in my heart
through my blood
releasing my soul
freeing the inner me
I try to hide what i feel
but the world around me
will never know
what it is to be me
what is friction
what is real
the universe will collapse
when i find out
what makes me feel
like total and complete
SHIT!
The day that i stop
is the day
that im 6 ft under
in a grave
away from what i call
my own personal hell
with my family above me
praying
wishing
screaming
they will want to know
what was going on inside my head
the day i die
i will be put to rest
with me asking myself
what i could've done different?
who could'e saved me?
current mood: depressed
current music: kittie- paper doll
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, May 21st, 2002
| |
8:13 am - so...
|
at school. fun times. not really. i hate being here. im failing almost all my classes. except one, my TA. great haley, thats a way to really make a good impression with the family. oooh haley, you were doing so good. blah blah blah... eat a dick. and to al lthose who do read this(josh) no me and matt do NOT, repeat myself.... DO NOT have anything going on. cant anyone just believe that i can have a guy friend without being sexually attracted to him??? oh wait. thats right, im Haley and according to other people, i cant do that because i am a SLUT.
well fuck all you people who think that my life is falling apart ,just becase i cut again, and because i do tweak again. so what. like a friend once said, what reasons do i have not to do this.im practically dying here. and do i care? NO
i have to take the fucking golden state exams for geometry. fuck fuck fuck
damn the man
-HaY Ha
current mood:  irritated
current music: nothing, school is a bitch whore skank slut fuck fuck fuck
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, May 20th, 2002
| |
6:08 pm - suprise suprise
|
well kids, looks like the great haley fat ass screwed up again. big suprise. thats what i am. ONE BIG HUGE MISTAKE.
current mood: sad
current music: incubus
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
7:29 am
|
|
doooooooooode.... this morning was fucked. matt came knowcking on my wndow at like but o clock in the morning, and wanted to do some shit. it hurts, especially after not eating for like 3 days, then doing some uhhhh ***es. yes. f***b***i**. ain't that nothing but a bitch. at least it'll last me until after school. but then that means i have to mother fucking walk to matts dads house which is like butt ass far away. ahh screw it.. i'll come down at home. ALONE.
|
|
(6 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, May 19th, 2002
| |
6:52 pm - headache for days...oh godd
|
matt is a weirdo. we went out last night and like he had his video camera and we taped some random mexican guys drnking. we pulled over and like oh god. it wasfunny as hell. too bad all my friends think im a fucking bitch. maybe i am.
damn the man.
current mood: hungover
current music: pink floyd-
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, May 18th, 2002
| |
8:55 pm - this we know.
|
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
crazymunky0o7's journal
